My plan to write every day didn’t last very long…but I am still here, and grief still sits heavily on my shoulders. It will be 6 months on Tuesday. The fastest and slowest 6 months of my life. However, rather than ruminating over my feelings about grief and loss and life and stuff I thought I’d write something more practical. Over the last 6 months I’ve found different ways to cope when grief hits in a big way, or just to get through 5 minutes/an hour etc. Here are a few.
- The Guardian Quick Crossword.
In the first few weeks after my mum’s death, my dad and I religiously did the Guardian’s Quick Crossword every day. In the first few days and weeks, it felt so difficult to do anything. Obviously, we had a lot of death admin to do, but there was also a lot of time to fill, and it was a time when it was very difficult to do anything ‘normal.’ My brain was fuzzy and didn’t seem to really function, and I remember one evening despairing over the fact that I’d got stuck on the sudoku. I cried and cried and wondered how on earth I’d get back to medical school if I couldn’t finish a stupid sudoku. Of course, I sat there and stared at it, and finishing it felt like such a huge achievement. The crossword has been something I’ve done less by myself, but my dad and I always do it when we’re together, and I do occasionally do it myself. It’s a good way of occupying your mind, of having something to think about which doesn’t matter at all. It’s easily available online, and there’s a great backlog of past crosswords for those days when you just need to do another one. - Running.
I ran 6 days after my mum’s death. I remember being scared of having the time to think, scared of where my mind would go, scared of being on my own, scared of leaving my dad and sister, but then having a huge sense of peace on that first run. Running was hard work in the first month or so, and although I ran a half-marathon four weeks on, my pace was slow, grief was heavy on my shoulders and it was really hard work. September and October were difficult, and I mainly ran on the treadmill, but in November I got some more miles under my belt, and December and January even more so. I’m now training for the London Marathon, in memory of my mum, and I think it’s one of the most helpful things I’ve found to help my head. Running feels like a great way to deal with sadness; to think and not think at the same time, to get some alone time, to get some peace and some space and some perspective. Endorphins are great too, and a sense of achievement is good for self-esteem. Having a training schedule is also really helpful for forcing me out there on days when I just want to mope. - Knitting.
To try to get across to my friends quite how difficult the first few weeks were, I often tell them that ‘I couldn’t even knit.’ A slightly odd hobby for a milennial, I love knitting and generally always have a project in my handbag. However, while I managed to knit a few rows on the plane back from France two days after my mum died, I created a huge mental block against it for the first couple of weeks, when doing anything felt so wrong, creating anything felt wrong. Now, it’s good to get back to my ‘normal’ hobbies, to cling onto some of the remaining bits of me from Before. I suppose, a bit like running, it requires just enough brain activity to be a bit of a distraction, but also lets me think a bit. - Twitter.
There’s a great little world of grief support on Twitter – from bereaved people to charities and support networks, and I also find it quite cathartic to sometimes launch out a few tweets into the tweetosphere about how I’m feeling. I occasionally use Facebook but sometimes that’s just a bit too public, but Twitter often feels like a good place to launch out some feelings. You don’t get the same Facebook ‘likes’ (which can sometimes feel totally inappropriate) but it can feel quite good to get some feelings off my chest, and there are often people there to listen or say something back.